Jersey Shore Book Tours

This is the second installment in the Jersey Shore Satire Series. The first installment was posted on Dec. 4th.

With Jersey Shore becoming the new hotbed of the American Literary scene, it’s inevitable that conflicts will arise as book tours compete for media attention. The following is a fictitious scenario in which the JS cast discuss book publicity tours.

SNOOKI: My book signings are going to be huge theatrical events. I’m going to dress up as Cleopatra and be carried in on a litter borne by hot Nubian slaves.

THE SITCH: Nubian? You’re just making up words again.

SNOOKI: Nubia’s in Africa Sitchy.

JWOW: Whoah. That Nubian slave stuff’s not going to fly.

THE SITCH: Yeah. We don’t need the National African American people raggin on the Guidos for being racist pricks.

JWOW: You know it Sitchy.

SNOOKI: Okay okay. They’ll be Nubian attendants, not slaves, but they’ll still be hot, all ripped and stuff.

THE SITCH: You mean like this?

The Sitch pulls up his shirt revealing his trademark abs.

SNOOKI: Yeah except that these guys will be a lot smarter than you.

The Sitch looks peeved. He points his finger forcefully at Snooki.

THE SITCH: You’ve been Snookin for trouble all day and you’re going to find it pretty soon bee eye to the tch.

SNOOKI: I’m thinking that my next book will be a children’s story called, Snooki and the Sitch. A story about a beautiful princess and her simple-minded foot-servant, Sitch.

THE SITCH: That’s funny because I was going to write a children’s book called, The Sitch and the Bitch. A story about a ripped super-stud and a skanky bitch who thinks she’s so smart, but she ain’t.

SNOOKI: I’ve already got the opening verse of my book written:

      Check out the Sitch
      He lives in a ditch.
      He’s got an itch.
      Poor little Sitch.

THE SITCH: I like my book better. It goes like this.

      Check out l’ll Snooki.
      She looks like a Wookie.
      She ain’t no lookie.
      Not even good nookie.

SNOOKI: Lookie? Oh Sitchy. Words are so confusing to you aren’t they? So many different sounds and meanings and all those rules about how to put them together so they make some sense.

THE SITCH: My agent warned me about this. He told me that having a bestselling book would come at a price – haters jealous of my success.

ANGELINA: Hey where’s the love? We’re Jersey Shore not the Sopranos. We’re not here to whack each other. Why can’t both of you get a Putzer Prize?

Snooki thinks about this seriously for a few seconds.

SNOOKI: We could you know because my book’s fiction and his isn’t, so we’re in separate categories.

ANGELINA: Alright then, Putzer prizes for both of you.

JWOW: I’ll fist pump to that. Who’s with me?

The entire cast starts fist-pumping and chanting.

CAST: Putzer prize, Putzer prize, Putzer prize.

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